Swimwear and Other Summertime Conundrums

BY LENORE SKENAZY | It’s, like, so much fun getting ready for the summer. Here’s my to-do list:

Get new bathing suit.

Come on. Who am I kidding? Get out old bathing suit. Ignore the fact it predates the Bush era.

The W. Bush era, that is. It’s not like I never get a new bathing suit.

It would just be nice if someday they invented an elastic that stayed elastic instead of getting crunchy after a decade or two.

Also, if someone made bathing suits that don’t go out of style every two (in glacial terms) seconds.

Quit obsessing about age of bathing suit!

Quit obsessing about age! “Only as old as you feel.”

Or is it “Only as young as you feel”?

Positive affirmation: I feel younger than springtime

Of course, springtime has been with us for a while. Ever since the Earth started spinning on its axis, right? Or at least since the evolution of plants? I do, for sure, feel younger than that.

Just not in my bathing suit.

Anyway: Buy sunscreen!

Choose: White glop no one in the family ever will use because it’s like slathering on blue cheese dressing and pretending that that’s a normal way to walk around? The Buffalo wing look?

Or the clear spray-on stuff that costs more per ounce than Chanel No. 5?

Buy both. Mere presence of gloppy white stuff in medicine cabinet will protect family from skin cancer by appeasing angry Coppertone God. Can stay there for years. In fact, has.

Ignore whole article glimpsed yesterday that said a responsible family would go through a whole bottle of sunscreen in a day at the beach, reapplying after each swim.

I suppose this is the same family that cleans the coils behind its refrigerator on a monthly basis, as the manufacturer suggests, to “boost cooling efficiency.” Because it’s so easy to move a fridge every month.

Or whenever said family wants.

Which could explain our electricity bills.

Quit thinking about things you didn’t do in the middle of “to do” list!

To do: Get son’s health form.

Also to do: Stay on hold for 45 minutes waiting for pediatrician’s office to remember you are alive, on the phone, and had cheerfully responded, “Sure!” to “Can you please hold?” hoping that your chipper sympathy for their “crazy day!” would get you better service. So much for that. You want a crazy day? Try calling the doctor and, after the first 10 minutes on hold, realizing you really have to go to the bathroom,

Quit drifting off topic! Summer! Coming! Soon! Start exercising!

Start exercising God-given right to enjoy life without jogging, stretching, crunching.

If I want crunch, I’ve got the elastic in my bathing suit.

Get ready for guests: paper plates, napkins, tablecloths.

Feel guilty about using too much paper.

Feel guilty about not inviting people about to not be invited (but at least you’ll be using less paper).

Make guest list for festive (if small) barbecue and swim party

Swim party? This building’s got no swimming pool.

That’s it: no new bathing suit this year!

Happy summer!

Lenore Skenazy is author and founder of the book and blog “Free-Range Kids,” and a contributor at Reason.com.