A steaming pile of triumphs: Trump’s first 100 days

“I’m not golfing. I’m in a meeting. These are my meeting pants.” Illustration by Max Burbank.
“I’m not golfing. I’m in a meeting. These are my meeting pants.” Illustration by Max Burbank.

BY MAX BURBANK | If you’re reading this on the day it was posted — Thursday, April 20 — it’s Donald Trump’s 91st day as (it still feels nightmarish to say it) President of the United Sates. But see, the 100th day is next Saturday, so I figure I’ll do early, scoop everybody, and maybe just make up what he does on the rest of the days leading up to 100. What the hell, why not? I’m not a journalist; I’m a “satirical pundit.”

It’ll be funny — unless we’re all dead, in which case you won’t be reading this anyway. So I’m doing my research, and Charles friggin’ Blow over at the New York Times has already written his 100-days column, so screw it! In point of fact, there have been dozens of 100-days columns already, which I guess means your more “seasoned” political hacks all had their “publication schedule versus count to 100” thing figured out already, so I suppose that makes me dumb. Oh, I’m dumb alright. Dumb like a fox.

All those name-brand pundits? They divide neatly into two camps. Negative reviews cite Trump’s only achievements at 100 days as: 1) Winning the Electoral College, and 2) Seating Neil Gorsuch on the Supreme Court, a forgone conclusion since Mitch McConnell would have happily seated a wedge of cheese with googly eyes shoved in it, had Trump nominated one. Positive reviews are all variations on, “It’s not as bad as you think. It’s been 100 days, you’re not a pile of radioactive ash yet, and you still have the balls to complain?” Wow, two paragraphs and I’ve already made the “we’ll all be dead by 100 days” joke twice. Hey, it’s a concern.

I think the views from both camps are ridiculous. Trump’s first 100 days are neither a “complete horror show” or “arguably slightly better than that.” Observed from the correct angle, Trump has achieved more than any American president in the history of arbitrarily assigning importance to the number 100, a veritable steaming mound of accomplishment towering over all other presidents’ tepid 100-day droppings.

Take golf. Though estimates vary on account of his spokespeople lying about how much he plays golf, Trump has golfed at least 14 times as president! Renowned presidential failure and known Kenyan Barack Obama didn’t manage to golf even once during his first 100 days! Sad! Trump has golfed more times in his first 100 days than all previous presidents COMBINED, and I say this without even a paltry nod toward fact-checking. That’s my confidence level for that statement!

Image by Max Burbank
Illustration by Max Burbank.

How about irony? Name one American president who has done even a quarter as much to further the state of irony in this great country. Sure, Nixon’s “I am not a crook” was hilarious, but that was in his second term; and does it really compare to not mentioning the existence of Jews in the official statement for International Holocaust Remembrance Day? Or implying Frederick Douglass was alive in a speech for Black History Month? Or saying what a great guy Bill O’Reilly is during Sexual Assault Awareness Month? Or claiming Assad was worse than Hitler, who at least never used chemical weapons — or maybe he did, but just in Holocaust Centers and not on his own people? Okay, Trump didn’t say that. It was worst Spice Girl ever, Sean “Anti-Semitic Spice” Spicer, but we’re talking about the Trump administration’s first 100 days here, not just Trump specifically.

And kleptocracy? Not since William Henry Harrison demanded the US Treasury advance him a quarter of a million dollars every time he sneezed has an American president transferred so much of our country’s wealth into his personal coffers — and while Harrison’s scheme was brilliant, dying 31 days into his term kind of put the kibosh on the whole deal. Trump’s 400-some businesses are held in a blind trust that has 20/20 vision and meets no definition, legal or otherwise, of the word “trust.” Managed by his lawyer and his two big gamehuntin,’ hair gel-hoardin’ sons, Trumpledee and Trumpledum, it was recently amended so that Trump can now withdraw any amount of money, at any time, for any reason, without disclosure. Trump pumps tax dollars into many of those businesses every time he and his staff (or his family and their staff) stay at Trump-branded properties. So at a minimum, every weekend.

When Trump discussed his strike on Syria with Chinese President Xi Jinping over “the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake you’ve ever seen,” you picked up the desert tab, and the waiter shoved the proceeds directly into Donald’s pocket. Bad enough news made worse by Mar-a-Lago’s 13 health code violations, making it a safe bet those were not chocolate sprinkles in the frosting.

Trump lit up the biggest non-nuclear explodey thing in our arsenal; no Commander-in-Chief has ever done that in a combat theater at all, let alone in their first 100 days! Suck on that, all previous presidents!

And no president has been this cozy with Russia since WWII ally Joseph Stalin used to dress up as Eleanor Roosevelt so he could sneak into the White House on poker nights. Sure, their little tiff over Syria is a real “low point” according to Secretary of State Rex “I-don’t-know-how-to-do-this-and-I-have-no-staff,-where’s-Jared?” Tillerson — but who doesn’t understand that’s a prelude to lifting sanctions to improve relations?

Let no one tell you Donald John Trump, our 45th president, has little to show for his first 100 days. You can’t walk without stepping in a pile of his achievements.

NOTE: The first paragraph has been altered from its original version, to correctly reflect the math of Trump’s true 100th day: Saturday, April 29, 2017.