Aries
Help an elderly neighbor who needs a ride to Mos Eisley, and earn a free lesson on the ways of the force. P.S. — that hologram is your twin sister!
Taurus
You will join The Preacher’s Wife and The Farmer’s Daughter, in pursuit of The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit.
Gemini
Next Tuesday will culminate in a breathtaking chase scene atop Mount Rushmore, allowing you to finally conquer that pesky vertigo.
Cancer
Your ability to express joy through movement will lift the spirits of a small town where dancing has been outlawed. Everybody cut footloose!
Leo
Don’t turn your nose up at retro tech. Without pay phones, we’d never be able to escape The Matrix.
Virgo
There are better ways to channel your aggression than by punching chilly slabs of hanging meat. Real fighters run the Museum of Art stairs!
Libra
Friends and family will delight in your novel use of a catch phrase made popular by a pair of mismatched cops who somehow make an effective team.
Scorpio
Stop resenting happy little bluebirds for their ability to fly beyond the rainbow. The bliss you seek is right where your slippers stand.
Sagittarius
Make sure your umbrella isn’t upside down. Those pennies from heaven are actually the toxic byproduct of Purple Rain!
Capricorn
The advent of talkies will render moot much of your silent film appeal. Adapt to the new style, or fade into oblivion.
Aquarius
You’re no one-hit wonder — but don’t bow to pressure for a sequel until you have something new and better to say.
Pisces
Upon being mistaken for a spy in possession of coveted microchips, you will go on the lam in search of the twin you never knew you had. This begins at 2pm next Monday.
