BY LENORE SKENAZY | With the holiday season upon us and tots with their eyes all gosh-darn aglow, it is time to buy toys. This year, some are moving faster than others.
And then there are the ones not moving at all:
Arm-Os: Just like Legos, except shaped like arms. Kind of hard to snap together — and disturbing once you do.
Grown-Up Mutant Ninja Turtles: Still living in a sewer, but now plagued by back problems, wheezing, and “shell bunions.” (Don’t ask!)
Coolidge Logs: Modernized Lincoln Logs. But not that modernized.
Spider Farm: Just like an ant farm, but with eight legs.
Bryan Cranston Chemistry Set: “Hey kids. Clean up that meth you made!”
Tickle Me and I’ll See You In Court, Elmo: A chastened Elmo neither tickles nor accepts tickling. He always has another adult Muppet present and wears a body camera.
Mr. Pot-Head and his wife, Mrs. Pot-Head: Put eyes all over them! Add an upside-down mustache, and how about a hat for a nose? Sooooo funny! Oh my God, like, seriously, that is the funniest thing ever, ever, ever.
Easy Break Oven: Half the price of the Hasbro models.
Barbie’s Over-Mortgaged Dream House: Of course Barbie’s got a job! She’s got three: Astronaut, pop singer, veterinarian. And she’s still underwater (Ken is AWOL with some Bratz doll).
Cabbage Patch Cabbage: Better than the old Cabbage Patch Kids, because you can boil these or serve stuffed with ground meat and rice.
Skinky: Wrap these long metal coils around a friend’s wrists. Voila! Homemade handcuffs. Have fun!
Trumby: Bombastic, ginger-haired rubber figurine that will not let any toys from Syria into the playpen.
Ouija Bored: Slightly testy tool for communicating with the dead, often spelling out, “He’s fine. Quit asking.” Or, “She’s busy…for eternity.”
Power-Hungry Rangers: These Rangers roam the Interstate issuing exorbitant traffic tickets for cracked brake lights and failing to signal a lane change.
Payola Crayons: Crayons that will draw anything for you, for a price.
Chutes and Bladders: Get to the bathroom at the top of the board as fast as you can! Hurry!
Bernie Babies: Bernie Babies don’t smile much, but they are earnest, they are angry, and they come with a plush copy of “Das Kapital.”Bernies are not available for sale — “Unlike our government!” as the Bernie motto goes.
Stomp Drones: One, two, three — stomp! Congratulations, you’ve launched your own personal attack drone. Watch it sail beyond your neighborhood, over the ocean and into the Middle East where who-knows-what mischief it may cause? Time to get out your Nerf Grenade Launcher!
Rubik’s Cubicle: Twist this super-sized toy into a cramped and lonely workspace devoid of hope and cheer. Add a family photo! (But it won’t do any good.)
Barrel of Monks: Now quite as much fun as its predecessor, and a very quiet toy.
Mobbed-Up Chatty Cathy: Cathy isn’t so chatty anymore. In fact, she didn’t see nothin’ and she’s not sayin’ nothin’.
See ’n Swear: Pull the string and see someone steal dad’s parking space! What does daddy say now?
Lenore Skenazy is host of the reality show “World’s Worst Mom” on the Discovery Life Channel. She is also a public speaker who authored the book, and founded the blog, Free-Range Kids (freerangekids.com).
