After a nasty fight with your significant other, do you feel like bursting into song? Me neither. But that’s why celebrities are different from you or I.
Queens-born singer/songwriter Paul Simon and wife Edie Brickell celebrated their recent disorderly conduct arrest with the launch of a new tune. Rumor has it that the couple first thought of rereleasing his “Still Crazy After All These Years” as a duet, but instead launched “Like to Get to Know You” on Brickell’s website to let the world know that, after two decades of marriage, they felt like total strangers. (“You share my home, my kids and my dog, but I swear I don’t know you at all.”)
Releasing this song has prolonged media attention, and now I hear other shaky couples are scrambling to get in on the act. Highly unreliable sources say that Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow’s recent breakup inspired Martin to compose a new tune, “Conscious Uncoupling,” with lyrics “It’s true that we named our child Apple, we’re macrobiotic of course, right now we are ‘conscious uncoupling’ . . . but don’t you dare call it divorce!”
I also hear that Robin Thicke, fresh from his breakup with actress Paula Patton, is rushing to release his new song “Blurred Vision,” featuring lyrics “While watching Miley twerk (hey, hey, hey!) You thought I was a jerk (hey, hey, hey!) You thought something was cooking (hey, hey, hey!) I wasn’t even looking!”
There really is such a thing as too much information. Paul Simon is an American treasure, who wrote such iconic tunes as “Bridge Over Troubled Water” and “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” (wait a minute, do I detect a pattern here?) and I really don’t care to hear about his domestic turmoil.
The Simon/Brickell song continues, “I see other couples all the time, holding hands and laughing, standing in the movie line, exchanging loving glances . . . And I wouldn’t trade places with anyone — none of them.”
No offense, but we wouldn’t trade places with you either, guys.
So next time the police come get you after a screaming argument, don’t immediately release a song sharing the intimate details of your relationship. Do what the rest of us do.
Playwright Mike Vogel blogs at newyorkgritty.net.