Aries Unearthed from deep storage, an ugly holiday sweater compels you to wear it — sans irony — after an evening of uneasy dreams. Trust your visions!
Taurus The next full moon will be a fertile period for courting whoopee, whoopie and Whoopi — of, respectively, the love, pie and Goldberg varieties. Use your power wisely, or suffer a gruesome fate!
Gemini Avoiding a puddle, you will run into an old friend — and be pulled into the powerful orbit of their risky, unusual new hobby. Dive in, but take precautions!
Cancer The reactions of others, upon hearing pre-December carols, provides a startlingly accurate window into their true nature. Observe, and adjust your naughty/nice list accordingly.
Leo Proud Leos under assault this week must boldly stand their ground. Only Macy’s Parade balloons are meant to change direction when pulled by clowns.
Virgo Festering resentment stemming from a poorly chosen cellular plan threatens to cast a pall over your holiday plans. Be of good cheer, and court the favor of a Christmas miracle!
Libra The December deadline touted in a Medicare Open Enrollment ad will fill you with needless nervous tension. Frankie says relax…and Mystico commands it!
Scorpio Ignore the temptation to put stock in a word heard twice while flipping channels. Conversely, the blind faith purchase of an infomercial product will profoundly change your life.
Sagittarius A festive scene on a Dollar Store potholder inspires the weekend activity that’ll be a big hit with the old gang. Bring candles, cups and cleansing wipes.
Capricorn It is vitally important to assess your investment portfolio during the early evening of next Wednesday. Roth IRAs rule!
Aquarius When a close friend criticizes the next Miley Cyrus stunt, remind them of their own youthful indiscretions. Drink a toast if they laugh, and ditch them if they frown.
Pisces You will experience an intense spate of creativity while doing laundry at a most unusual hour. Later, you will resolve to complete a vexing crossword puzzle, sans Google.
