What to name a bridge?
That question arose in earnest again last week with the passing of former Gov. Mario Cuomo.
Growing out the Hudson River, with no funding to support it, the Tappan Zee Bridge replacement needs a name. The current, dilapidated structure was relabeled the Gov. Malcolm Wilson Bridge in the 1990s in honor of the late Republican governor, but try to find someone who calls it that. It’s as much the Tappan Zee to most people as the Ed Koch is the Queensboro, with all deference to the late mayor. (That would be the 59th Street Bridge to Manhattanites, Simon and Garfunkel.)
The Mario M. Cuomo Bridge is a reasonable suggestion. The timing of the former governor’s death, from a dedication standpoint, comes at an opportune time. It’s not every day that a $3-billion-plus structure is in search of a moniker, especially one being driven by a Gov. Andrew M. Cuomo. But would a son dare name a bridge for his father? I don’t think that would be so bad. Heck, former New Jersey Gov. Brendan Byrne named an arena for himself.
The Pete Seeger Bridge has been bantered about as a name because of the late singer’s Hudson River activism, but Seeger’s pro-Stalin days probably nip that in the bud. Those murderous purges really put a dent in Stalin’s legacy.
The new bridge is in desperate need of cash. With interest, it’s likely to cost in excess of $5 billion by the time it’s paid for. What about selling naming rights to a corporation like sports teams do with stadiums?
Two thoughts. Sell it to KeySpan Energy and call it the Key Span. Would have been great had KeySpan not merged with National Grid. Or how about New York developer Tishman Speyer. It could be called the Tishman Spire . . . Or Entergy. The Indian Point nuclear plant operator is always looking to tell its story. It could hang electrified signs above the roadways with slogans like, “Entergy: You can’t see jack without us.”
There are other ideas out there, too. A loyal staffer to former U.S. Sen. James L. Buckley (1970-1976) named Herb Stupp has been on a noble mission to have something in New York named for Mr. Buckley. Buckley, who also served as an undersecretary of state in the Reagan administration and as a longtime federal appeals court judge, is thought to be the only American who has ever served in senior posts in all three branches of government — executive, legislative and judiciary. He’s also an uncle of mine, so I could definitely get behind the idea. But something tells me the Mario M. Cuomo might have more appeal in Albany.
How about the Taxpayer Bridge, or the Toll Payer Bridge? Now that would be honest. It’s the taxpayer, after all, who’s going to be footing the bill for the thing. With no funding stream in sight, it’s been estimated that tolls will be as high as $15. Ouch!
My personal favorite, though — and this is my own — is the J. Wellington Wimpy Bridge. Most people know J. Wellington simply as “Wimpy,” the Popeye character famous for saying, “I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.” Who would better capture the spirit of this penniless structure?
That, or the Hat-in-Hand Bridge. The Hat-in-Hand . . . Has a nice ring for traffic reporters who will no doubt give the new span lots of airtime.
William F. B. O’Reilly is a Republican consultant.
