Mama Hogan knows best: What I really think of my son’s Tinder exploits

“It does not make me happy every Friday to read about my son’s sexual escapades.”

My son, Matthew, has drawn me into his Tinder column with little comments from “Mama Hogan,” as he refers to me.

First of all, I’m really not a “mama” type. I don’t wear housecoats and I never cook. That being said, I do have some rather firm views of Matt’s use of Tinder. 

Mama Hogan does not believe Matt will meet a future wife, or even a long-term girlfriend, using Tinder. Tinder is for playtime and NYC is a huge playground.

It does not make me happy every Friday to read about my son’s sexual escapades. Sometimes, he warns me not to read, but I do anyway. Remember, Matt: Quality, not quantity.

Every generation has their own thoughts on dating and sex and I realize my son and his fellow Tinder members are on a different page than I. But I think there should be more of connection than a swipe right and a few messages.

I also think pictures are deceiving. Some people look so much better in person than they do in a picture. If that’s true, then so is the opposite, where people look better in a picture than they do in person. I think my son refers to some of those women as “Swamp Things” – lovely, Matthew. Lovely.

Also, the shallowness and danger of picking a date off this kind of app is unbelievable. I worry about the crazy date. A lot of the people on Tinder are probably not who they say they are. I have never understood the lack of caution my son and some of his dates have shown. LADIES, DO NOT GO TO SOMEONE’S APARTMENT WHEN YOU HAVE NEVER MET HIM! I know my son isn’t a serial killer, but still, as he says, he’s a douchebag – to some, that’s worse. Get to know the person first before you go to their place.

Now, to my son: It’s important to be friends with your future mate. As you go through life, having a partner you consider a friend and have fun with, a partner who is able to understand you and put up with you despite your personality quirks (yes, we all have them, even you).

Sex is important, but it is one facet of growing up and settling down. So please Matthew, pick a young lady who is smart, beautiful, kind and loves you when you are annoying and “douchey,” as you put it. If she can cook, that’s a bonus.

Make sure she will take care of you when you need it and that she brings out the best in you. I don’t think you will find her on Tinder, or maybe any dating app, for that matter. There are some great dating sites out there, but you – and I, thanks to your over-informative column – know Tinder isn’t for dating really, is it?

I want my son to start a family one day, but I don’t want my daughter-in-law to be a lady of Tinder. Also, Matthew, so help you God if you accidentally put a bun in the oven.