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Primates of Park Avenue: 8 quotes that will make you LOL at the UES

The Upper East Side can be a jungle.

Wednesday Martin's tell-all memoir 'Primates of Park Avenue' has been under scrutiny since it came out last month, but not without appropriate levels of Gossip Girl intrigue.

Whether or not all 248 pages are true, there are plenty of ridiculous, possibly believable stories about the Upper East Side.

From Birkin bags to SoulCycle, here are just a few of the great lines.

On babies...

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"There were... playdate consultants for four-year-olds who didn't know how to play because they have so many 'enrichment classes' -- French, Mandarin, Little LErners, and cooking classes, as well as golf, tennis, and voice lessons -- after preschool." (Page 10)

On children's clothes...

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"What really caught my eye... was the profusion of indescribably lovely children's stores. There were nearly a dozen of these within a few blockst of our new home, and they specialized in the kind of classic, beautifully crafted clothing for tots you never saw downtown. -- little wool shorts and knee-socks, navy blue shoes with beige leather soles, white blouses with Peter Pan collars and red rickrack trim, and fuddy-duddy argyle cardigans for mini-me boys. It was all made in Italy or France. Except the pajamas, which were always made in Portugal." (Page 48)

On Hermes...

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"When you ask yourself why everyone in Manhattan, including you, wants a Birkin, and why there is such a fervor for the things itself... The answer is so self evident: because I just do ... And, it's true, because you would command a very particular, twisted form of Manhattan respect, also known as envy." (Page 93)

On exercise...

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"While SoulCycle was a sweaty nightclub/hot-yoga-class mash-up... Physique 57 was an uptight girls' school...they are wilder and more fun and cooler, the Birkin to our Kelly...The Queen of the Queen Bees was a SoulCycler." (Page 124)

On appearances...

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"I often thought of the symmetrical, still-faced women around me, many of whom had had rhinoplasties before their weddings, as pretty, picture-perfect zombies. They looked beautiful, but they seemed to feel nothing, their eyes, Botoxed all around to prevent crow's feet, dead in their faces even as they laughed or smiled." (Page 147)

On nannies...

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"Many of the nannies I knew made $100,000 per year or more and traveled the world by private jet. They had paid vacation, half or all of their healthcare coverage paid for, and generous holiday bonuses... While mommies have most of the money, nannies do have power-- the power to make our lives easier." (Page 179)

On meds...

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"And it's not just alcohol. On the Upper East Side, benzodiazepines are a girl's best friend. Plenty of the Manhattan mommies I knew relied on prescription drugs, daily. Ativan. Xanax. Valium. Klonopin. Ambien. They had them all, and weren't afraid to take them. Frequently, they mixed them with wine." (Page 186)

On those terrible, tiny NYC apartments...

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"Our home on Park Avenue was far from huge (although I did have an entire closet just for my handbags)." (Page 195)


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