BY MAX BURBANK | Hello, readers. I’m Max Burbank, and for the next 11 months, I’ll be chiming in every now and again to help guide you through the funniest thing we as a nation do: elect a president. How am I qualified to do this? That’s a good question. The answer is, I’m not. Not in the least. I’m not a professional pundit. I never took a single political science course. In fact, just like the most popular people running, my total lack of any qualifications whatsoever is exactly what makes me so qualified. After all, punditry ain’t brain surgery, or, you know, being president.
So let’s kick the coverage off with a review of candidates for the office of President of the United States of America — assuming they’re all still running by the time this sees print. I sure hope so. I already missed my chance to make fun of Bobby Jindal.
THE REPUBLICANS
JEB BUSH
Jeb has really defied my expectations. I never, in my wildest dreams, imagined I could feel compassion for any member of his family.
The strain and misery on his face as he is forced to actually campaign against barely human buffoons, whose daily behavior mocks the very political system they claim to want to lead, is truly moving. I haven’t seen a candidate endure this very specific brand of raw humiliation since Kerry lost to Jeb’s brother. Or Gore lost to Jeb’s brother. Or Dukakis lost to Jeb’s father.
Huh. Now that I think of it, I guess I don’t feel that much compassion for him after all.
BEN CARSON
Cleary uncomfortable with eye contact, he mumbles and whispers, laughs inappropriately and often without any context, and not only thinks the pyramids were used to store grain, but seems to be totally unaware that telling this to people makes him look crazy. This is not a candidate — this is a list of symptoms. The only reason people have not realized Carson is diagnosably, clinically insane is that his condition cannot be heard over the much higher volume of Trump’s diagnosable, clinical insanity.
CHRIS CHRISTIE
I cannot and will not vote for a man who has the same name twice. It’s ostentatious. It would be like voting for Kris Kristofferson or Duran Duran, two things I would do before I ever voted for Chris Christie, even though Duran Duran is more than one person and none of them are what you’d call “American.” Also, the only reason people don’t notice he’s a shameful, stereotypical bully is because he cannot be seen in the shadow of Trump’s much larger, stereotypical bullying. See? You can mock Chris Christie without ever mentioning that he is “plus-sized,” with which there is nothing wrong.
TED CRUZ
He cooked bacon on the barrel of a machine gun, and then ate it. It’s on video. Not cell phone video that someone else took, surreptitiously capturing this bizarre, awful, unsanitary behavior. He intentionally made this video and released it to the public. He actively wants you to witness his sub-human behavior. This is something a very bad dog would do if you left it unsupervised with filthy bacon. And a machine gun. And a video camera. Bad dogs and Ted Cruz should not be left unsupervised with any of those things! On the plus side, Cruz is diagnosably, clinically insane.
CARLY FIORINA
There’s a lot of historical precedence for single-issue candidates, but Fiorina is breaking new ground: as a single-lie candidate. A single-lie can be very good at garnering attention, and locking down the votes of a core constituency. But to compete nationally, she’ll need to have a wider range of value-based lies, not to mention economic and foreign policy lies.
A serious candidate needs to be able to lie fluently across the political spectrum. Also, the only people with faces that immobile are folks wearing Michael Myers masks — and the diagnosably, clinically insane.
JIM GILMORE
Wait, wait, I know this one, he’s that guy who…he was the…Jesus, his picture looks so familiar — he’s this white older guy who…I’m sorry, I don’t know who Jim Gilmore is.
MIKE HUCKABEE
Oh, I remember this guy.
He totally used to be relevant at some point.
He, like, ran for President in 2008 and did really badly.
So naturally, Fox News gave him his own talk show — which is an awesome resume credit if you’re running for gigantic, smarmy, human sack of crap, and not president.
JOHN KASICH
The closest thing in this race to a centrist Republican, which makes him the closest thing in this race to invisible.
RAND PAUL
Want a president with a medical degree, but still smarting over having a minority in the oval office? Paul’s your man.
A fan of weird hair, but put off by terrifyingly weird hair, and not a fan of the color orange? Vote Paul.
In addition, while attending Baylor University, he ran their chapter of Young Conservatives of Texas — offering discerning voters empirical evidence that he is almost certainly an insufferable dick.
MARCO RUBIO
The smart money says that after all the crazy-ass candidates eat each other alive, Rubio will emerge as the “Oh, well, I guess we can live with you” Mitt Romney of 2016 — a strategy that went super well for the Republicans last time around. Speaking of money, though, that’s the wild card in this deck. Despite an $800,000 book advance, Rubio recently liquidated a $68,000 retirement account at a huge tax loss, and sold a house in Florida for $18,000 less than he paid for it a decade ago. There are lots of reasons a person might need liquid cash in a hurry, and I’m absolutely not saying voters should engage in shameful, unfounded speculation about gambling, drug addiction, sexual hush money, and any other alleged skeletons that might allegedly be hanging in the Rubio closet. You’d have to be a real skeezeball to do that, and I can think of 11 Republican candidates who are going to do it for you anyway.
RICK SANTORUM
While totally irrelevant in any real, political way these days, you can still Google his last name plus “Urban Dictionary” for a quick, cheap laugh.
DONALD TRUMP
There’s so much to say about him — but it’s already been said, and is being said everywhere all the time, so I’ll leave it at this:
I have a fat, orange, long-haired tomcat that likes nothing better than to climb up on my chest in the middle of the night, drape the flyaway mass of unruly DayGlo fur that is his tail over my forehead, and press his ass directly against my face.
I have not “put him to sleep” because I love him. I cannot say the same for Donald Trump.
THE DEMOCRATS
HILLARY CLINTON
Don’t get me wrong, I like her politics — but this is America. You’ll see a socialist Jew, a diagnosably, clinically insane person, or a friggin’ tree stump in the White House before we elect a woman President of the United States.
MARTIN O’MALLEY
Martin O’ who now?
BERNIE SANDERS
Don’t get me wrong, I like his politics, but this is America. You’ll see a woman, a diagnosably, clinically insane person, or a friggin’ tree stump in the White House before we elect a socialist Jew President of the United States.
CONCLUSION
Friggin’ Tree Stump 2016.
