The Brooklyn genie, who recently emerged from his magic lamp on Coney Island’s beach to make his annual predictions, says 2019 will be like a walk in the park: Jurassic. Here are the forecasts he shared before running off screaming:
February 2019: Donald Trump Jr. is indicted on perjury charges. President Donald Trump tweets that he rarely speaks with Junior. As a matter of fact, he’s not even positive it’s his son. “Look at that dark hair. We’re all blonds. Draw your own conclusions. I’ve hardly even met the guy!”
March: Despite massive slowdowns and overall shoddy service, the MTA bumps up the subway fare to $3 a ride. Fed-up riders realize that if they shut off the third rail and cover the tracks with boards, they can get to work faster by riding bikes through the subway tunnels. “SubwayBikes” are suddenly in demand, as both Mayor Bill de Blasio and Gov. Andrew Cuomo claim it was their idea.
April: A gigantic storm engulfs Miami and sweeps it out to sea. Trump tweets that he always warned about the imminent dangers of global warming and blames the city for not building a giant seawall. Soon after, he sells Mar-a-Lago to Saudi Arabia for $1 billion, then suggests it become our 51st state.
June: Piggybacking on the huge tax breaks it received and Cuomo’s promise to change his name to “Amazon” Cuomo if the huge retailer moved to Long Island City, Amazon requests the name of the borough be changed from Queens to Amazon. Cuomo and de Blasio immediately agree, as the Brooklyn-Amazon Expressway is born.
September: After an avalanche of “smocking gun” evidence is presented by Robert Mueller’s investigators, 20 Republican senators join 100 percent of Democratic senators in voting for impeachment, and a two-thirds majority for Trump’s removal from office is reached. Vice President Mike Pence is also removed on obstruction of justice charges for his role in the firing of FBI Director James Comey.
Thus, the next in the line of succession becomes our 46th, and first female, president: Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi!
So enjoy the tail end of the holiday season. Because if you think it’s chilly now, just wait!
Playwright Mike Vogel blogs at newyorkgritty.net.