“I was told there would be lots of treats,” one guest complained as her canine companion wiggled restlessly in the paw-friendly puptial pews.
Dog treats were nowhere in sight, though a bar serving White Girl Rosè and a signature wedding cocktail (Smirnoff, cranberry juice, ginger beer) in honor of the bride and groom — Instagram-famous dogs Toast and Finn, owned by comedian The Fat Jew and socialite-philanthropist Amanda Hearst, respectively — made for plenty of toasts celebrating puppy love at The High Line Hotel on Wednesday night.
More than 200 eager guests, both human and canine, pushed through crowds, past a taped-off area labeled “RHONY Only” — “real” housewives of both Bravo fame and the real-real deal were proudly in attendance — to get a good view of the altar for what was sure to generate a solid flow of Instagram double taps.
Legendary gossip columnist Cindy Adams, dressed in a red cardigan embroidered with sparkling dogs of various breeds, officiated, though she was told she’d have to keep things short, because she was marrying dogs.
“The last time someone gave me two minutes was my wedding night,” Adams joked as she introduced the bride, Toast, a 10-year-old rescue Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. (“Amanda Hearst would never have a commoner,” Adams added, nodding to the regal breed.)
Finn, a 7-year-old dachshund-Chihuahua mix who quite impressively balanced a miniature top hat throughout the ceremony, reminded Adams of human romance. “Falling in love with a younger man has happened to many of us old broads,” the 85-year-old writer said.
After reading wedding announcements from the Scranton Tribune and tossing one from the New York Times (“Who reads that?!”), Adams welcomed the bridal party down the aisle. Dog friends Chloe the mini Frenchie, Ella Bean, Muppet, Pants and Baby pawed their way down the aisle in matching pink sweaters. The Fat Jew, Toast’s father, was not in attendance. Nor were any cats.
As the music shifted to Pachelbel’s Canon, Toast came down the aisle in Simon Doonan’s arms as manager Katie Sturino watched proudly from the altar. The bride looked fetching in a custom-made Marchesa gown paired with a Vera Wang leash.
“Am I milking this too much?” Doonan laughed as he posed every few steps on the aisle-turned-runway. The code of conduct for a dog wedding was unclear, but the dress code was not: Doonan sported a chic leather motorcycle jacket and sunglasses while attendees wore everything from cocktail gowns to furry vests and denim pants, though some dog guests preferred to stay in the nude.
When the bride reunited with her groom at the altar, Adams confirmed that nobody would object and forever hold their pees, and pronounced the dog couple married. Their faces smooshed together to kiss and guests leaped out of their seats to get the perfect #zolatoastsfinn shot.
This was, after all, an Instagram wedding.
By no power invested in him at all, Doonan announced that it was time to paw-ty — and paw-ty the crowd did. Mazel tov!